Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Still Raw

When the nearly inevitable guilty verdict in the Boston Marathon bombing case came down last week, I posted on Facebook that I thought I had finally achieved a greater sense of closure.

Then, this morning when I was listening to the news on NPR at 6:20 AM, I heard a familiar voice who is both a colleague and an NPR reader.  She led in with one year ago today before proceeding to discuss the anniversary of the Boston Marathon bombing from two years ago.

I realized at the moment just how raw my feelings still were.

I shouted at the radio "What the F***?!?"  Regardless of who the reader was I could not believe that a trusted news source would incorrectly write the script indicating the wrong anniversary of the bombing.

Then, I wondered.  Could I have heard it wrong?  Could I have misperceived what was said?  After all, I hadn't been listening all that closely to the news.

Then I stopped and concentrated on driving rather than on the news or on my hurt feelings.  It was an easy couple of minutes to the grocery store and I calmed down.

But I had one clear realization.  My 26 healing essays of two years ago.  The many miles I had put in immediately after the Boston Marathon including a crazy number in the first week of the marathon.  The 2222.2 miles last year.  The best marathon I'd ever run.  And a winter and spring of running with three close friends, especially one getting ready for her own spring marathon, had not cleared my mind of the event.

It was a reminder of why, in addition to the unusual 10 AM starting time, I didn't need or even really want to go back to the Boston Marathon again.  Despite many great friends who run it multiple years in a row,  Despite the excitement.  I don't need that stress.

I should probably not even listen to anything having to do with sentencing.

At this point, I just need to move past.

But no matter how close to forever moving past I thought I was--this morning I quickly realized I wasn't.

How odd.  And how unexpected. 

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