Where 40 Days of Discernment has Led Me?

Before I comment on the conclusion of forty days of discernment on the road to better, I want to talk about the race today.  I ran a 1:33:20 half marathon.  I can look at this one of two ways.  As a shortcoming, it is 1 minute 38 second off my main goal (his 7:00 per mile average) or 3:20 off my other goal (run a 1:30).  In a more positive light, it is the fastest I have run a half marathon distance anywhere other than on the NCR trail, and it was on a course that was challenging.  Either way, I was happy with the experience.  A main observation is that I ran the first 5.7 miles (according to the official time) at a 6:47 pace and then slowed down.  I clearly lost some speed on the uphills to get to Lake Montebello and then never recovered and ran the negative splits I hoped for.

I have a second story about the race situation that I think is worth telling.  People who are not runners wonder about the fellowship among runners.  I saw an incredible example of that fellowship today.  There were two gentlemen I kept playing leapfrog with throughout the race.  The one guy first encouraged me as I passed by him working it up the hill running along Linwood.  Later when he had a chance to pass me, I encouraged him back.  Then, we traded encouragement back and forth throughout the rest of the race.  I couldn't estimate the guys age but he was wearing a sweatshirt, which I could not imagine wearing.  The other guy was a ginger-haired kid who looked about half my age.  I didn't say anything to him until I came up on him for what must have been the third or fourth lead change on Howard Street.  At that point, I said to him, "Hey, we've been playing leapfrog the whole race.  What do you have left?"  He eventually passed me again, and I tried to keep him in my sights the rest of the way.  But he did beat me (as did the other guy I mentioned).  What was cool was what happened after the race.  The first guy I described, I was close enough to at the end that we just gave each other a fist punch with a congratulations.  The second guy was a different story.  When the race is done, the runners walk a distance between barricades, then turn a corner, get a heat blanket, get a water, and get the medal.  I forget where in the process, I met the younger guy, but he actually turned around to look for me and went out of his way to congratulate me (and I returned the favor of course).  Maybe he would have done just as well if I had not challenged him to see what he had left.  But I would like to think that challenging him made a difference.  The fact that he made a point to come back speaks to the fellowship among runners.

So, how does this flow into my end of forty days discernment?  The themes I had through my forty days focused on running, work, religion, and family.  If I aim for a little alliteration, we could say "Fitness, Faith, Function, and Family".  

What I would say is that I have to make sure I keep up my fitness, faith, and function and that keeping all three of these working well would help me support my efforts to have the best family life I can.  If I had a really cool graphic design, I would have a four pointed pyramid (like an old four-sided die from Dungeons & Dragons) with fitness, faith, and function as the corners on the bottom supporting family at the top--because family comes above all else.

To do this all well, I need to make sure that I focus on what matters via Peter Block's logic (and only on what matters--so this may mean doing fewer things), give it my all and accept no less or feeling like I am wasting the Gift via Steve Prefontaine's words, and realizing that I have most of what I need in me already if I just try to find it via the Gospel reading last week.

So, a new focus on finding what I need in me and focusing and giving it my all, will be what I hold moving forward.  

And, I will think about how far I have already come.  The last time I ran the Baltimore Half Marathon (2009 to be exact when I ran a 1:46:05) I could not have imagined saying anything to the two guys I spoke to during the run today.  Thinking about other runners.  Thinking about how they help me and how I can help them.  And thinking about the importance of the connection at the end of the race.  I can take this to the office--thinking about professional development and what members of my team can do for me as well as get from me.  I can take this to other running situations.  I can take this to my Sunday school teaching as I think about each child's needs and what I can learn from each child.  And, of course, I can take this to my family-thinking about what each member needs from me and I from them.  All in the context of doing what matters and doing it well. 

40 Days to Better: Day 38

Today I had a choice.  I woke up early enough to make the choice between going back to sleep to get some more rest or getting up to do a combination of running, work. perhaps baking.  In the end, I decided to take the day off from running.  My body is suffering from the sore throat and congestion I mentioned yesterday, and I need to give it every chance to heal itself to the highest degree possible before Saturday morning.  Yes, I will have to run the remaining two mornings this week.  But I plan to do no more than 4 miles on each of the two remaining days.  Just to loosen my legs up a little.  Just to make sure I am still getting into the running.  I won't improve my speed or cardio at this point.  And I could lose a lot if I were to fall and hurt myself or strain a muscle.  I just have to remember what the past 40 days and, in fact, all my training since Boston have been about--running the best half marathon possible three days from now.

The sleep also makes it more likely that I will make it through the day at work today without losing concentration.  It makes it more likely I won't feel the need to doze.  But I do always have the option of calling it a day early if I am really not feeling well.  

Life lesson?  I have to focus on making sure that I do what is smart.  That I improve.  That I take responsibility for me.  I don't often think of Michael Jackson songs, but this is a case where the song Man in the Mirror comes to mind.  Look at myself and make a change.

I can't change anyone else.  I can only change myself.

And if I change myself for the better, I hope and pray that will be better for those around me.  I hope and pray that will facilitate change that those around me need to make (if they need to make any).  I hope and pray that working together, each person being responsible for himself or herself, can work together for a better whole.  Making the world a better place for all.

But all I can do is improve myself.  Through 38 of the 40 days on the road to better, I have spent a lot of time thinking, a lot of time pondering, a lot of time reflecting.  I am pretty sure that as I reach the end of forty days of discernment I have a story to tell.  I have an idea of how to change my life.  I have an idea of what to do so that my life is better and those around me have better lives as well.  

And once I get there, all I can do is wait and see what happens.  Day by day.  Week by week.  Month by month.  Are goals met?  Is the change positive?  What can I do more or less of in continuing to build the road to better.  

40 Days to Better: Day 27

Yesterday when I was running, I thought about the gray skies I was running under.  And yesterday, I wrote about making sure that I don't end up bringing what might be gray in one part of my life to other parts of my life.

Today, I continue with that theme a bit.  That is a bit more of a direct tie between two days of writing than I usually have.  However, I see it as logical since I ran another 4 miles (just backwards on the same course as yesterday) under clouds.

Specifically, today I am thinking about being on the road to better for a lot of different things at once.  When I began the 40 days to better there were 40 days between a day on Labor Day weekend (when I had not run for four days) and the Baltimore Running Festival.  So, I was mostly thinking of 40 days to better running.  But I also wanted to think about 40 days to being better at a whole bunch of things.

Each day when I write, I have written about running and marriage and work and friendship and parenting and a whole bunch of other things that maybe get mentioned once or twice.

But can I really hope to make myself better at everything? The answer to that may be no.

Of course, there are some general principles that I can follow.  More follow through.  More reliability.  More listening.  More being done on time.  All good.  All help all aspects of my life.

But maybe, thinking like the economist that I am, I have to make tradeoffs.  I hope not.  Thinking about having to make tradeoffs in what I become better at is not a fun idea.

But if I don't, I may have to ask, "What does getting better in one area cost in terms of changes in another area?"

If I focus on improving at work will I lose in family life?

If I focus on improving on family life, will I lose on fitness?

If I focus on improving on fitness, will my Sunday school teaching go down hill?

I could pose tradeoffs between any combination of two things that I want to improve.

The key is to find the right combination.  Recognizing that more is better for each one.  My boss likes to say "More, better, faster."  Can I do all three of those or will choosing any one or two meant that I can't do the other or others?  Trying to improve each one.  Trying to avoid having to give up too much of one to get another.

I can think of what it means to be a better person.  Does that have to mean being better at everything?  In an ideal world, yes.  However, that may simply not be possible.

So, I have to carefully (and sometimes prayerfully or at least with spiritualism in mind) consider what the tradeoffs mean.

40 Days to Better: Day 25

Today's run was my first on a treadmill in a while.  Despite the fact that many of my running friends don't like treadmill runs, I got a great workout this morning. I had a half mile warmup and then ran 10K at a 6:40 pace to finish in 41:20.  I believe that is my best ever.  It is a full minute faster than my best track.  And I did run with a slight up incline the whole time.  So, now a bad showing.  

Why did I take the treadmill option?  Well, it was a day when despite my surprising consistency on track runs lately (and my main alternative to the treadmill was a track 10K), I still felt the need for a very controlled experience.  And today that is exactly what I had.  I stayed at the 6:40 pace the whole time, except for a brief time when I sped it up one notch higher (to a 6:35 pace) to make the time even out to an average of 6:40. The treadmill provides the guidance for me and I can focus on my form, on how my legs were feeling, on my breathing, and on my cardio.  And, on how controlled I felt.  

So, it is using a mechanical device to provide guidance so I can focus on any number of other things that will also help me to improve.

So, thinking about how this related to the rest of life on my road to better, I come to another meeting I had with my leadership coach today at which she provided exactly that--guidance.  While this issues are specifically work related, it was a reminder to me that even with six months of leadership at the business school under my belt, I still have plenty of opportunities to learn more about the nuances of leadership.

An interesting side note is that my coach described me as "strangely excited" about the transition to administration when she first met me.  But she also chalked that up to my general optimism toward life.  While she was wondering all along, "Does he know what he is getting himself into?"  Well, I have come a long way.  I am making decisions that are much different and more informed and better than what I would have made six months ago.  I have benefitted from guidance from others.

And, now I am starting to provide the guidance.  Guiding decision making.  Guiding a new direct report who arrived yesterday and is beginning to feel her way around (who had to look in my office to determine where the "personality" is as she thinks of me as having a lot of personality--it turned out that she simply had not looked in the right place to see where all my personal "stuff" was to really understand the interesting things I bring).

And, of course, I have had lots of opportunity to receive guidance about running, guidance about marriage, guidance about education, guidance about parenting, and guidance about any number of others things in life recently and in the past.  So, I take my lesson in understanding the need for guidance in my running this morning, and think of it as a reminder to examine my actions and my needs and to determine where I need guidance and when to seek it in the rest of my life as well.  

40 Days to Better: Day 20

Today, we reach the half way point.  On this day, I have again seen the value of only training for a half marathon (I know that only sounds odd to my non-running friends).  I was able to leave the house at about 5:30, drive to the NCR trail, have a great workout, and be home by 7:45.  I then got a shower and had a child on the ice by 8:30, stopped at the grocery store to get oil to top off my car, dropped another child off at garden club. circled back to hockey, then back to garden club, then home, quite bit to eat (thank goodness for leftovers), picked up child from another family, took my middle and other child to boychoir, returned home, and then took my oldest to orchestra.  (Actually he drove and I drove back).  So, here I sit and it is only 1:15 in the afternoon.  Still a lot to do today.

So, for all that what did I start the day off running.  About a half mile warm up (and it is still pretty dark at 6 AM these days--especially on a wooded trail) to the 1 mile marker on the NCR trail.  Reset the watch.  And then ran to just past the 6 mile marker and back to the 1 mile marker.  Along the way out, I startled (perhaps scared) two groups.  They are training groups that use a run/walk combination and go in groups that are big enough to span the entire trail.  They often do.  So when they are having a grand old conversation and I come up behind them running my sub-7 mile and doing it quietly sometimes they move.  But when they don't I just go around or between and they get surprised.  I have little sympathy.  I don't tend to say hello going by them--which I do for everyone else. Most weeks I'd rather lecture them than say hello, but I hold my tongue and keep running.  In any case, by the trail mile markers I went just a tiny bit more than 10 and I did it in 1:08:51.  I have never even done that in a race before.  And that is faster than the first ten of my fastest 13.1 ever (also a non-race situation).

Lesson for the day...Why do I run so well in non-race situations?  I put less pressure on myself and I trust myself. 

When I did my 1:30:39 with a friend back on March 9, I really did need someone running with me.  Pacing with me.  Keeping me going.  And helping me to have confidence that I could do what I set out to do--run the half marathon (even relatively flat) at a sub-7:00 pace.

Six months later I ran a bit shorter distance, but the workout was just as significant as I did it myself.  And I did it just two days after my fastest road or trail 10K.

So, I have needed mentoring.  But now I am showing what I can do.

Does that mean I don't continue to need mentoring?  Of course not.  I can always improve.  There is always more to learn.

And this does not just apply to running.

It applies to my spiritual life.

It applies to my style of leadership and management.

It certainly applied to my music playing although I don't do that so much at the moment.

And it even applies to interpersonal relationships.  

So, I have learned a lesson from running--that I can take what I have learned from some great friends and competitors and make something great from it--and apply it to many other areas of life as I continue on my road to better.  It is always nice to be satisfied with a run--and this morning was definitely satisfying. But being satisfied does not imply that I can't (and should) continue to seek improvement.   

40 Days to Better: Day 19

An originally unplanned day off from running.  Although after running four days in a row that included my best track workout in a long time and my best 10K on the roads possibly ever, I'm not worried.  Tomorrow I will do either 10 or 13.1 in my continuing quest to run a great half marathon on October 12.  We will see what the new day brings when it gets here.

In the meantime, I have a thought from yesterday.  I have mentioned before that I had a very insightful leadership coach.  This type of person can go by different titles.  She works in an organization within the University called talent management and organizational development.  The key is that when I took the position she helped me to assess the situation and to consider ways to improve the probability of success though my leadership around or through certain complexities in the organization and in interpersonal issues.

Along the way she has also recommended a number of books including The Answer to How is Yes by Peter Block.  (I don't have any particular reason the support Amazon, but the link I have provided was just the easiest way to get to the book.)  The book has brought up a lot of issues for me.  The basic premise is that a person should focus on what really matters rather than on just getting everything done that is forced on them by the outside world.  We have the opportunity to play a role in constructing our own reality.  The concepts of intimacy (presence and reality), idealism, and depth are important.  The author realized intimacy (as defined above) dealing with his own body through returning to a sport.

The fact that the author writes about what matter and dealt with this through (at least in part) sport make it seem like the coach chose this just to help and challenge me.

The section I am in at present is even more challenging.  The author describes instrumentalism.  What he calls acting as part of the system designed to maximize the production of stuff.  (I'm paraphrasing.)  He strongly contrasts economics (about maximization and productivity) with art (generally capturing the idea of seeking meaning).  The author writes about these as if they are mutually exclusive.

Perhaps he only means to suggest that in their archetypes they are mutually exclusive.  Perhaps I would agree with that.  Where I struggle with this part of the book is that I was trained for five years in graduate school as an economist.  But I (and many others who study economics) love the arts.  In fact, I see seeking meaning (e.g., this blog itself) as valuable.  In fact, economists around the world have been trying to figure out how to place a dollar value on ideas.  (Perhaps that is the quintessential example of what Peter Block is trying to get us to avoid--why does an idea need a dollar value other than for the sake of calling it productivity?)

I don't think that people who seek to do things efficiently are necessarily any less likely to seek meaning.  I don't think that people who do things to maximize their wealth and well being necessarily are any less likely to be able to set their personal ambitions aside and to think about the well being of the whole.

Is there a tension?  Of course.  But at least for me that tension is healthy.

That tension guides me to make sure that what I am doing in all parts of my life is consistent with a higher purpose.  Consistent with some sense of spirituality.  Consistent with being better than just being "all about me".  Consistent with being the best I can be for all of those for whom I choose to be present and intimate (in Peter Block's sense of the word).

Recognition of that tension can then help to continue to guide me to being better.  I have to manage that tension.  Even within doing "what matters" there are competing goals.  There are competing interests.  There are competing ways of realizing what I feel in my heart I have been called to do.  There will always be tradeoffs (says the economist in me) while I find ways to realize what matters most.  On my lon term road to better the "most" part (beyond the well being of my wife and children) evolves over time and my capacity to realize it in a variety of ways changes as I gain experience and as my body ages.  

40 Days to Better: Day 18

If every morning were 48 degrees, no humidity, and no wind, I could really learn to enjoy doing tempo runs.  But not every morning is.  And I still have to figure out how to at least make the best of tempo runs if I want to continue serious training for races.

Whether I enjoy or just get a good bit out of tempo runs, the key for me is that I learned yet another lesson this morning--expect the unexpected.

As I was preparing for my first serious tempo run off the track in a long time (I ended up with 10K at 42:24 on my watch) I made one big mistake.  At the half mile point I meant to hit the lap button to restart the mile counter so that I could get a time for just the tempo portion of my run.

However, I hit the stop button instead.

I did not realize that (having hit the stop button at Lake and Henderson) until I was out on Northern Parkway a bit west of Spring Lake Way.  My watch beeped once--I thought it was a car with squeaky brakes. Then it beeped again.  Then a third time.  It was good that I looked down as my watch was about to shut the GPS timer off.  I set it going again and kept running.

Based on the MapMyRun website, my full distance for today was 7.6.  That would make the tempo portion 7.1. And my overall time (with a few calculations thrown in) suggests a 6:48 pace over the 7.1.  That is solid despite the hills of north Baltimore and Towson.

That was a great run despite the distraction.

Last time I made a mistake like that was the Maryland Half Marathon in May 2011 and I let it rattle me.  

I am glad that 2 years and many successful workouts and races later I no longer let something like that rattle me so much.

I don't anticipate odd things happening, but when they do I just roll with it.

That is much better than I used to do.

Sometimes, the unexpected will happen when I run.

Other time, the unexpected will happen in the workplace, with a friend, with a colleague, or at home.

The more I learn to just roll with it and figure out what to do next rather than dwelling on the distraction the better off I will be.

Good lesson for running.

Good lesson for life--as always during my 40 days on the road to better.   

40 Days to Better: Day 16

This morning's run was another great track workout.  The temperatures were really nice--even cold for this time of year with the breeze that was present in addition to the cool temperatures.  I ran a 3x1600 with the same guy I've been running track workouts with for the better part of the past couple of months.  We had a 600 intervals rest in between each pair. We ran 5:59, then 5:58, and 6:00 with each lap being between 88 seconds and 91 seconds.  That is even better than the last time I wrote about even times when 15 of my 20 miles were all within 5 seconds on either side of the average I ran.  This time, I ran all 12 laps of the 3x1600 within three seconds variation total.  And the interesting thing is that I left my house so quickly I did not even have a watch.  My running partner called out times for for some of the splits (sometimes at 200 meter intervals) for some of the miles but it got a little lax at the end.  

The fact that I did not have my watch on at all is what makes this particular morning's lesson a bit different than my 20 mile long run lesson.  That was about running smart, running consistently, and pacing correctly.  

This morning is about all of that, but it is even more about doing it without a watch.  And why is that important on the road to better?

It reflects the fact that sometimes I can just rely on intuition and what feels right.  Of course, sometimes I need the watch. Or whatever other crutch I may find in whatever aspect of my life is relevant to help me to plan.  To help me to pace.  To help me to understand.

But there is a time to just run by feel.  Just manage by what seems right.  To set aside the books.  To set aside the theory.  To just let myself be.  And to trust that I know a lot more than I think I know and the trust that what I know and do will be right.

This could apply to running--as I found out this morning.  And I am even pondering whether I should leave the watch behind (or promise myself not to look at it) for the Baltimore Running Festival.

This could apply to my management position in the job I have had since April.  Yes, I have had excellent coaching.  Yes, I have been advised to read a number of very interesting books.  But when all is said and done, if I trust myself to know what is pretty much the right thing to do, I'll be successful--I hope.

The same can be said for pacing.  My boss--the Dean--like to talk about more, better, faster.  It sort of reminds me of the Olympic motto of faster, higher, stronger.  The key is to always extend myself.  but when all is said and done, objective measures may be nice.  But ultimately, I can sense whether I am operating at capacity or I have more to give.

This could apply to marriage.  Sometimes people need help from a counselor or therapist or whatever you might want to call someone who provides that type of help.  But perhaps, if the couple just works together and focuses together, they will find their way together just by intuition.

All of these are challenges.  Running by intuition.  Managing by intuition.  Assessing my capacity to do more by intuition.  And, finally, marriage by intuition.  But all are reasonable things for trying to do by intuition rather than expecting to find answers in a book.  Maybe answers from friend--using their own intuition--to help my intuition.  But leaving it to discussions with real epeople rathe rthan reading books or anythign else seems like a great way to go.   

40 Days to Better: Day 11

Today, I have not run yet.  However, I have been in a writing groove, and, I wanted to write before I run.  Plus, despite being almost mid-September, it is still pretty warm outside and I am not looking forward to today's run very much.  I will probably end up just doing about 5 relatively easy miles.  So it goes.

In any case, I want to write a brief post today.  Yesterday, I talked about surrounding myself with people who are committed to my pursuits.  And I finished with an explanation that the people who have been committed to helping me think about my personal life and the main issues in it are those who clearly have a sense of their own value, who are valued by others, and who place a value on others.  

The (to me) interesting follow-up question is how on earth does any of us show that sense of value?

I think that one clear way is by paying attention.

Even better is giving undivided attention.

That attention can be in big things like going for dinner with Sherry and without the boys.

That attention can be in little and mundane things like walking the dog together in the evening.

That attention can be listening while making dinner or doing any number of other chores to keep the household running.

That attention can be when I get home from work and have something about dinner started and may need to continue, but I take some time to listen to Sherry or one of my kids rather than just pushing onward.

That attention can be to a friend while running.

That attention in the workplace can be welcoming someone new.

That attention can take so many forms.  But the key is to make it clear to the one to whom the attention is being given.

I need to pay attention and I need to let the person know I am paying attention.

Then, the relationship can grow.  

Marriage continues to grow.

Friendships and collegiality grow.  

Attention in a relationship is like water and light for a garden.  And my road to better will be paved not with (as in the proverbial expression on the road to hell) good intentions, but with good attention to those to whom I want to show value as I continue my own personal and professional development.   

40 Days to Better: Day 10

On Monday, when I wrote about distractions, I wrote the following:

"Avoid being distracted from my focus on my marriage.  Nothing--not my running, not my best friends, nothing should distract me from that."

As part of my "road to better," sometimes what I need to do is think harder about past statements and work to clarify when necessary.

The statement that I made after my run on Monday could be taken as a statement against the importance of friendship.  But that would be about as correct as reading last Sunday's Catholic church gospel reading (Luke 14:25-33) where it talks about hating your father and mother (and many other family relations) to be a disciple.  That Gospel reading is never interpreted literally in my experience.  It is about putting discipleship first--and then making sure that the rest of life fits in.

That, putting marriage first and avoiding distractions, was what that part of my blog entry Monday was about after my rant about distracted driving.

What is also interesting to me is showing how this fits with a friend's recent comment (I always like connecting dots in my life--thus the name of the blog site).  My friend commented that in the most recent part of her life she has made sure to surround herself with friends who value her opinion.

I think that avoiding distraction (particularly to things like marriage, fitness, and work) is about surrounding myself with individuals who support my pursuits.  So, my comment on Monday should not be taken to say "ignore friends" but instead should be taken to say "surround myself with friends who support the importance of my marriage."  That, I have done.  In fact, I can honestly say that it would be a challenge at this point to describe just how important being surrounded by friends who support my marriage is--as I was able to turn to many when my life was chaotic after I first moved into my new job in April and my life and marriage were stressed.  With the support of many friends, the patience of my wonderful wife, and effort from me and Sherry, we are moving forward in a very positive way.

While this would be an acceptable place to finish the thought on this blog entry, this brings me to the first of several pieces of wisdom from Fr. Sam Lupico from a catechist workshop that happened on Sunday.  His piece of wisdom was from an old Latin phrase that he used to teach but I don't recall the Latin.  The gist was "you can't give what you don't have."  My friend's comment was about one way that someone showed that her opinion was valued.  For me, the question is how do people show their commitment to my pursuits.  It doesn't mean that I only surround myself with individuals who are married and whose marriages are perfect to lend me support in keeping my marriage strong.  Rather, it means that the people with whom I surround myself are people who are valued in their relationships and people who want to share that value (and their insights on that value) with others.  

I will write more about Fr. Sam's wisdom (both this point and others) over the coming days on my continuing "road to better."