Family is People You Share Food with on a Regular Basis

Last night, I wrote a post about my social media family. I described family as: 

It includes blood and marriage of course. And immediate family are the people I cherish most in the world. But family here is the people I share with and who choose to share with me each day.

My friend, Alex, then posted:

I was in a community once that defined family as people that you share food with on a regular basis.

This was an interesting premise to learn about.  It got me thinking. In the traditional sense of a community, this would make a lot of sense. What would it mean to an electronic or virtual community? I wrote that perhaps if we adapted it to say "food for thought" or "pictures of food" it would work.

While this is an interesting adaptation of what Alex said, I wanted to spend some time thinking about why sharing food on a regular basis would make family by choice.  This is particularly interesting in light of some recent posts about blended families being families by choice and what the implications of families by choice would be.  

We can start with the obvious.  Family is about sharing.  Not only food, of course.  Although perhaps the earliest versions of family were mostly about sharing food-at the bottom of Maslow's triangle.  The most basic need.  With whom do we share when we are worried about taking care of our most basic needs?  The people we care about most.  Family.  At that point it was about survival.  And if we want to get biological-it was not only about our own survival or the survival of the species but also about the survival of our DNA once children were involved.

In this day and age, what does sharing food bring out?  Well, food brings our conversation.  When humans moved from just sharing whatever they already had to planning ahead, people could have been discussing strategy for the next hunt. Today, conversation could be about what was good in the day.  About what was bad in the day.  About the bigger picture.  About how each of us and the family unit as a whole fit in with the bigger picture and something bigger.  Spirituality.  Much higher on Maslow's triangle.

Why does it bring this out?  Well, I believe that truly sharing food doesn't mean just leaving a pot of something on the stove that everyone can grab a plate of when they get a chance.  Truly sharing means stopping and sitting at table together.  It makes us slow down.  It means we spend time in one place.  Around one table.  Focused.  Together.  Being a part of something bigger.  If we give a completely secular interpretation to "whenever two or more are gathered in my name" and just write "whenever two or more are gathered" I begin to recognize that there is something to that.  

In a world of friends separated not by the next cave, next house, or even next community over but by hundreds or thousands of miles, we can always gather at table.  But there are other ways to gather.  

I find that sharing pictures of food speaks volumes.  It speaks to how I (or anyone else sharing such a picture) likes to put time into our cooking.  Cares about our cooking.  Cares enough about our cooking to do something more than just a TV dinner for our family.  Cares enough to share it.  Some might say, show off rather  than share but I think it is about having other people be interested and thinking about whether they would ever make the same thing.  What they are going to make for dinner tonight. Sharing our inner workings as it really matters.  And sharing what is important.

Finally, sharing food for thought.  For me, it means I take the time to write.  For those who are part of my "Connecting the Dots" family it means taking the time to read what I have written.  The time to think and write, and time to read and think, is a reflective process that fits well with the sharing that could occur around a table with family (in whatever sense of the word) and food and drink.  It is an synchronous sharing relationship, but it is still a sharing relationship.  An online family.

It doesn't mean that a virtual family (even one centered around thinking) could ever replace a real family.  A family of people you can walk next to, sit next to, hug, and look at.  But it does offer a way of extending family.

And for that, I am grateful to have learned about my friend's community's interpretation of family. 

Epilogue to the Spirituality of Advent: Complementarity

I have been working on putting together the set of 26 blog entries that I wrote regarding the Spirituality of Advent into a connected sequence.  Ther ordering is obvious--the one that set the framework, the 24 written on days of Advent, and the one written on Christmas Day.  What is interesting is the search for themes.  

When I began, I sort of thought it would be a piece of cake to write about themes of hope, preparation, joy, and love for 24 days.  What could be easier?  There are many things each day that make me think about these themes.

What I could not have predicted when I began was playing bass at a funeral, finding a little time to pick up the mandolin again, finding Emmet Otter on a site where I could play the entire special from start to finish online for free, multiple interesting exchanges with a fellow runner/blogger, an especially good race, and a 10 day period during which I would see almost a performance a day on the evenings I was in Baltimore.  

What I could not have predicted is that despite being incredibly happy with where I am in life, satisfied that I am pretty well off, and still recognizing that I could improve myself and how I interact with others, and despite being really high on Maslow's triangle, I am still truly searching.  Not searching for something bigger--I am comfortable with the notion that there is something bigger out there.  But searching for the meaning of whatever it is that is bigger and searching for ways to allow it to guide me to a better life.

So, since I have reflected on the Prayer of St. Francis and I have put it in writing that I want  Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 read at my funeral some day and I have written about contrasts before, I will close this set of writings about the Spirituality of Advent with a set of reflections that I will refer to as complementarities rather than contrasts.  I think that what I will offer is a set of things that go together--each having it's time--rather than things that have to be one or the other.  And since I have also written recently about the Beatitudes, I will make eight complementary "there is a time for" statements.

Everything in my search for self-actualization and deeper meaning has its time:
There is a time for seeking that something bigger in the universe,
   and a time for appreciating every little detail of life that goes 
   right on a daily basis;
There is a time for being the biggest help I can be to those around
   me,
   and a time for realizing that ultimately I play only a small role
   in helping a person or changing a person's life;
There is a time for feeling that things like crossing finish lines
   are big accomplishments,
   and a time for realizing that each moment in life--and even each
   marathon--is but a speck of dust relative to the whole of life;
There is a time for seeking to express myself and all that is unique
   about me,
   and a time for conformity and doing things just because that is
   best and I should trust those around me who have done things
   before and not ask questions.
There is a time for drawing attention;
   and a time for realizing that I am but a speck in humanity and
   that humanity is but a speck in the universe and my role is to be
   the best I can be but that I will not change the world in a
   moment;
There is a time for running,
   and a time to realize that running is only one part of my life and
   that many other parts deserve and require attention to keep the
   whole of my life functioning well;
There is a time for seeking to make new connections with
   interesting people,
   and a time to carefully nurture the many connections with
   incredible people I have already; 
There is a time for pondering the meaning of life,
   and a time for acting on the meaning I have found.

Self-Actualization

Yesterday (Sunday, November 10) I had a wonderful day that included a run with a training partner with whom I had not run in three months, teaching about the Beatitudes, preparing a homemade stromboli, and mass.  All four of these are part of what I think about when I consider Maslow's triangle--ranging from shelter, safety, and food up to self-actualization.

In particular, I was thinking about the issue of self-actualization during mass.  The worship band that I played with off and on for seven years, is now down to about seven people--two guitars, a drummer, a piano player, and three singers.  One of the singers does extra percussion sometimes.  And all but the drummer sing.  Still, the group sometimes jokes that it is now "20 More Days" rather than "40 More Days" since it is about half the size it used to be.

As I was singing along with the band as part of the congregation, I was considering whether I miss playing my bass.   I decided that there was really no question.  I do miss playing my bass.  But I also asked, what would I miss more?

Would I miss playing my bass more than teaching Sunday School?  No.

Would I miss playing my bass more than all the baking I do?  No.

Would I miss playing my bass more than running?  No.

On the running issue, yesterday was a particularly good day for running.  I was out on the NCR trail.  The trail was soft and somewhat soggy in places.  The running was soft on the knees and muscles and other joints.  We ran an 8 minute mile pace--a very comfortable pace compared to most of the training we had every done together.  There were colorful fallen leaves on the trail.  I met my training partner just as the sun was rising.  It was a beautiful morning. 

All three of baking, running, and teaching are more important to me than bass playing.  I had to give up something, so I gave up playing bass in the worship band.

Maybe I will return to playing bass at some point.  Maybe just for fun.  Maybe for a worship band again.

Or maybe I will finally learn to play the mandolin.

I guess it is a "first world problem" to have to choose which of several things that could all be important for self-actualization are the ones I will choose to continue and the ones I will choose to give up.

I have only ever commented that running is what I do to reach the top of Maslow's triangle--particularly contrasting it with running for basic safety and food.

As I think about my choice, baking is something that was traditionally for the lowest level of Maslow's triangle.  I am now doing it as part of my self-actualziation as well.  I find myself feeling a sense of fulfillment with my baking.

I also think that I achieve fulfillment in my teaching.  Being involved in the educational process is what I was meant to do in my career and in my work with the church.

It is so interesting to think about how all the pieces of life fit together and what brings fulfillment and what does not.  And what brings more and what brings less.  And how I have made choices and how I will continue to make choices.  It reminds me of the verses in Ecclesiastes about a time for things and a time not for things.  I have determined it is not the time for music.  It continues to be the time for other sings.

So it goes.   

Spiritual Reflections on the First Sunday of Lent

Yesterday's run was a gift from God.  The weather--while nippy--was not really that cold.  I had not tried to find a temperature right near my house (I sometimes overlook the fact that a "Baltimore" temperature often means out in the more open area where the airport is a half hour from here).  Looking at "Yesterday's Weather" on the weather channel website with my zip code suggests if was actually 40 degrees most of the time while I ran yesterday.  That truly is perfect and with hat and an extra layer, I was probably overdressed.  The run alone gave me time just to enjoy the run for one thing only--the sake of running and how it bring me closer to the end of a three year quest--to qualify for and then run a respectable time in Boston.  At one point I said, "If I run Boston it will be my last." I'm not sure if I will stick to that assertion or not, but certainly after Boston for a while I will limit the number of very long runs I do and probably change my workouts to focus more on speeding up my track times and my 5K.

In any case, glancing at today's Catholic mass readings fro Deuteronomy, Psalm 91 (which is quoted heavily in On Eagles Wings, a standard for years at Catholic contemporary masses), the letter the Romans, and then the story of Jesus in the desert for 40 days from Luke's gospel, many things caught my attention.  Today at mass, the worship band with which I play will sing a song called "40 Days".  But what caught my attention most was the reading from Romans--chapter 10 verses 8-13.

In the context of what the reading is about, it focuses on belief being realized by confessing with your mouth and believing with your heart.  In this case, confessing is not confessing as in going to the sacrament of reconciliation but confessing as it stating a belief very clearly.  I find the idea useful in situations outside of church as well as for my spiritual well being.  If you really are passionate about something then it should be something you can talk about, something you are willing to talk about, and something that you hold dear in your heart at the core of your soul.  I am lucky to be in a position where I can balance (or at least try to balance in life) multiple things that I am passionate about at this level.  I suppose am lucky to be in a position where I can do this with even one thing.  If we think about Maslow's triangle representing a hierarchy of needs, when I get to that level I am pretty sure that all the basics are taken care of and I am at self-actualization.  To be there is yet another gift from God--a gift I celebrate every day--and something that guides me in my actions to help others achieve the same.  A Facebook friend posed the question the other day what makes my heart sore.  Leaving aside obvious answers like love for wife and children, I said, "Helping others to achieve."  Outside religion, that is what I confess with my mouth and believe with my heart is one of the most critical things that I am called on to do.