A Question from My Eight Year Old

My eight year old asked me a question this evening that really reflects how my home life has evolved in my six months on this new job.  Time was, seven months ago, when I was "just" a faculty member that most days I would wrap up between 5 and 5:30, be home my 6, have dinner on the table by 6:30, participate in getting my youngest ready for bed, and then have a bit of time with him--only to do dishes and more work afterwards.  And for the most part my "work work" at home came either very late at night or very early in the morning.  When my youngest was younger, he would tolerate my working (particularly on email) while talking with him or doing something else with him.  I didn't have to give him 100% of my attention.

In the time that I have held my new job (since April 1), I have worked later many days, but when I work later I tend to be "done" when I get home.  I do some work in the evening.  I do some in the early morning (particularly now that my youngest doesn't tend to get up quite as early as he used to).  The key has been that I have not had to make a choice between work and him while at home much in the past six months.  While being at work longer is disruptive, the pattern of not then making the choice of what to do at home clear to him has really taken hold.

So, this evening, I happened to be home early.  I had a meeting away from the Business School in the middle of the afternoon and decided to go home next.  That allowed me to have dinner on the table so we did not need to spend money on an unnecessary meal out before my wife and middle son went for his first livestock lesson as part of a 4H activity.  I told my youngest that after I ran to the grocery story, I could read extra to him.  We are reading a book that flows nicely and reads easily about a middle school kid playing football.  And this is a chapter book that is really holding my son's attention.

When I got back from the grocery story he was sorting rubber bands for his loom.  He really enjoys that activity and thought we could wait to read until he was done.  Not a bad idea.  However, when he was ready, he expected me to be ready.  I was working on an email or two and he asked me, "Who are you emailing who is more important than me?"  I was surprised to hear that but it did make me realize how different our rhythm of life has become over the past six months.  And while I may have fewer hours at home (particularly in a week like this one with two dinners and an evening class to teach) the expectation is that when I am home I am home.

Interestingly enough, my son's attitude actually matches my boss's attitude in two ways.  First, my boss claims that he doesn't carry much to and from work because he likes to separate the two.  I believe him for the most part.  And second he likes to always remind us, "More, Better, Faster".  My sons is super competitive and focuses on all three of those all the time.

So, maybe with my son and my boss sending the same signal, the key will be to continue to work on the question of how to get work done at work and have home time at home more of a reality while trying to balance things in my life.  Not simple.  But a good aspirtion.  

40 Days to Better: Day 28

On day 28, I feel like I am entering into the home stretch of this 40 day period that I have designated as 40 Days on the Road to Better. This morning was another very pleasant morning for an 8 mile run.  During the run I saw the clouds colored pink on the underside on the eastern horizon at one point and the horizon itself colored a brilliant yellow-orange a bit later.  It was a wonderful and relaxing run that allowed me to get my stresses out and come home feeling that things are right in the world.

Thinking about the warm feelings associated with the pink and orange colors I saw in the sky this morning, I want to combine two themes.  One is being thankful--or more precisely showing gratitude.  The other is my Dean's favorite expression, "More, better, faster" (what he always wants his management team to focus on) or the Olympic motto, "Citius, Altius, Fortius" or "Faster, Higher, Stronger." 

For gratitude, there is a video on Upworthy that I saw someone post. I have not gone to the source of the original article, but the video describes an experiment that was done.  I will summarize.  The experiment involved administering an instrument to measure happiness (however that might be done).  Then, people were asked to think of someone to whom they were grateful.  Then they were asked to write about it.  Then they were asked to call the person to tell them.  Then the instrument to measure happiness was readministered, although with the questions and order changed just enough to not be recognized as the same instrument.  The gist of the findings.  People who did not complete the call were a little happier.  People who did complete the call were a lot happier  The people who gained the most happiness were the least happy to begin with.  Pretty amazing stuff.

It is a great feeling to validate my efforts over time to tell people how grateful I am for what they have done for me.  A guidance counselor.  A teacher.  A parent.  A professor.  A mentor.  A colleague.  A coach.  My wife.  And the biggest difference it seems to make is when I am feeling down.

So where do "more, better, faster" and "citius, altius, fortius" come in?  Well, it is part of being on the road to better.  There is always room for improvement.  Always room to get better.  Always room for more.  Always room to make sure I tell people about my gratitude sooner to the time they actually do the thing for which I am grateful.

Gratefulness doesn't have to be "stored up" and then poured out all at once.  It can make a big impact when I do something like that.  And I may still do something like that even if I express gratitude as I go along.  But it is also important to express gratitude on a daily basis.  For me to thank people for the little things.  For me to share the joy of thanking people  Because ultimately, saying thank you brings me joy.

I don't know whether other people find the same joy in saying thank you.  Perhaps this scientific study suggests that many other people actually do.  I sure hope so.  And I hope that I can follow my own advice to raise the bar on my thankfulness and bring that joy to myself and to others. 

40 Days to Better: Day 23

Today, my run was 6x1600 at 6:30 pace.  Me and my buddy Brian ran then all between 6:28 and 6:32.  And most of our laps varied little from the 97-99 second pace that we were trying to hold.  A little fast every here and there and maybe one or two lagged behind to 100 seconds, but we made it up to run the six at that pace.  A friend said I was training like a beast.  I mostly think I am following my buddy's plan for a full marathon at 2:55 when it comes to track workouts.  Next week the challenge will be 4x2400 instead of 6x1600.  We'll see what we can do.

In any case, over the last eight days, I have run 3x1600 fast and with consistency, a slow 7, a fast 10K, a fast 10 miles, a very slow 4 miles (for me), and a 6x1600 that was solid and consistent.  What is the lesson.  Contrasts.

I was pondering this as I ran yesterday.  Yes, I wrote about something else for yesterday's entry.  But I was pondering the concept of contrasts.  In our culture what do contrasts make me think of?  Very traditional weddings--for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad.  A couple getting married proclaims their willingness to stay together through contrasting times.  And it can be challenging to do so.

My running training these days also has contrasts.  I suppose the phrasing would be "in faster runs and in slower runs."  In my "long term relationship" with running there will be faster and slower.  Injuries and perfect health.  Days when I'm tired and days when I feel great!  And everything in between.

This is really true of all things with which I have a long-term relationship when I think about it.  my running.  My marriage.  Many of my friendships.  My work.  My cooking (hotter and colder, better and worse, etc.)  Even something as simple as my relationship with my pets--although at least when it comes to my dog that is one with almost constant affection.  Still, even she is "hyper and calm" at different times.

Contrasts can be good.  Contrasts can be instructive.  Contrasts are an important part of the expectations in any long-term relationship.  Knowing that going in can make for much better outcomes.